get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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