and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
