halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize