just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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