I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
