If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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