just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
