just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You're a waste of cheezeits
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
