I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He did a backflip because drugs
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
