oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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