Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
