I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
