dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
