I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
