there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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