I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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