I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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