I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
