I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
