Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
