i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
