am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
