It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
