I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
