Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Can I color on your dick again?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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