So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
