so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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