my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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