He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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