she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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