i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
