the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
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I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
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sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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