Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
