I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
