hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Randomize
