the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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