In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
