your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She even gives head with a lisp.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
