I CAN MOONWALK!
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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