I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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