All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
