Don't make out with my wife yet
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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