I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
