If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Randomize
