last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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