I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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