and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
