What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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