No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
