Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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