I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
