If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize
