life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
