Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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