It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
