did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
