Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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